01/16/20 - 03:01 COT - A

Happy new year! A lot of things have happened between August 27, 2019 and January 16, 2020. Bad things, mostly, but let's keep the faith.

I should be asleep... School starts in... four hours LOL

Maybe I should give up on love and finish the site. Really considering that.

08/27/19 - 15:31 COT - Back...

I should be working on like... Two illustrations? God. I didn't finish them in my time off because I spent my vacations sleeping and refusing to get up and do something useful. AAgh. I'mpayingforit.mp3. The only thing I finished on time was an illustration for the Touhou Wedding Collab because I have the duty to spread the holy word of Aya/Hatate through any and all channels. If you're into that, the illustrations will be published during this week, I think. Personally, my body is ready for them.

Yesterday, I went back to the campus and talked to my friend from the languages dept who, upon seeing my pitiful state of Mortal Boredom, kindly offered a couple books and a magazine as preliminary materials for a nice conversation*. One of them was about The Senses, another one was about the moral implications of allowing market economics to rule over personal areas of our lives. I have to go back to that one. And the articles! One of them was an article on feminism that... surprisingly, made some good points, if you looked past the "feminism is reactionary, just like the church!!!" bullshit that some people love to bring up over and over again. The other one was about reggaetón. It was a fun afternoon.


I'm still thinking about the book whosetitleeludesmeatthemoment, the one on The Senses, and how nicely it was written. Some bitches can write, huh. I wasn't prepared for the brilliant description of the particular conversations that build up when Intellectuals Get Drunk (not me; I'm thinking of my friends and acquaintances!): among a sea of cliches, a few incisive ideas shine through. Cool. Then the book goes that weird place where the-narrator-lusts-after-his-friend's-wife (someday I'll make a bingo for Novels From Seasoned Men Authors and this WILL be an item) and that reminded me of a topic I've been meaning to write about: to what extent has the way I conceptualize and express my attraction to women, as a bi woman, been influenced by literature primarily written by straight men?

Yeah... A topic. Let's start from the beginning... When I was first coming to terms with my bisexuality, instead of finding support and solidarity, I was met with tons of vitriol coming from the ratfem community. The Rat Feminists (there's nothing radical about them) offered their nuanced and well thought-off stance on The Bisexual Problem:

1. Misogyny is fine as long as it's directed at us: we're just dumb sluts who have no sexual or personal autonomy; we're extensions of the men in our lives because we center them. Bisexual womanhood is centered around men. #Feminism.

2. Because lots of us bi women don't choose partners based on our politics but our feelings, when we partner with men, we're demonstrating that we're the true heterosexuals. Straight women can't help partnering with men since that's their predisposition, but bisexual women, who experience attraction to other women, are committing a Terrible Betrayal when they enter relationships with men: they're expressing their true heterosexuality.

3. Bisexual women, in fact, do not experience genuine attraction to women; we're Aesthetic Bisexuals (what a concept) who just put on the bisexual label because it's fashionable and chic but who don't like other women past their looks and could never ever commit to eating pussy.

Either that, or we're just attracted to the idea of womanhood (?????), but not actual women. You know? It's common knowledge that All Bi Women are feminine cis bitches who only express their (fake) attraction to other generically attractive feminine cis women. So when we're drawn to other women, we're drawn to them because... of the constant sexualization of women's bodies in the media... which has conditioned us to find them attractive in the first place.

...They got us figured out like rats in a skinner box. Anyways. I've always thought that this point of view is interesting because of its complete lack of understanding of psychology, human sexuality and societal learning. But there's an interesting point buried in there. It is true that we're constantly exposed to the ways of heterosexuality and all its codes and signals, and that the paradigm of "attraction to women" is primarily understood as something that pertains to the domain of straight men.

While I definitely find the notions that bisexuality is socially accepted and that some women who express attraction to other women do so because the poor things have been conditioned by years and years of seeing nekkid women on TV to be utterly ridiculous, I think that the ways we express that attraction have been influenced by every cultural product imaginable, including all the poetic that has been waxed about women and heartbreak.

My hypothesis is that, at the initial stages of our lives, wlw have found reflections of their voices and their feelings for other women in cultural products written by men and that we have made use of those products to understand ourselves. I remember reading GGM's tales and not only falling in love with the women characters, but deeply relating to the feelings described in there and using these narratives within my self-understanding of my budding attraction to other women. Yeah, I want to explore this topic, but soon (tm).

Okay, now I have to go back to work! I found eyesonthelens' movie rec site and I Have to check it out!

*Glad to know that some people still treat convos with the dignity drug trips deserve. As in: if you want to have a meaningful conversation, you gotta discuss something interesting. If yr planning on getting high or drunk, consider thinking about something interesting beforehand

06/29/19 - 03:01 COT - Don't read this headaaaaaache

I set out to write like, six good hours ago, and here I am. Lol. At least I'm doing itttttt. I could perfectly Not Do It, but I'm doing it, and that's good.

Yesterday was a nice day! I was supposed to meet up with some of my classmates to work on Something Important, but I didn't make it on time because I forgot to set my alarm in the morning. Lol heheeee. Since they'd already left by the time I arrived to the campus, I decided my day would be spent in the library in the languages dept. instead, as it's usually quiet and fairly empty. I had forgotten they have a lit club on fridays so I arrived just as they were beginning to present the topic for the day... They explored the relationship between the visual arts and literature and while the presenters didn't go super deep on the matter (it would take an entire course to cover the entire thing decently), it was pretty interesting and I got New Idols To Look Up To, namely Gustave Doré. CANYOUBELIEVEIDIDN'TKNOWABOUTHIM??? LOOK AT THIS AMAZING SHIT!!! AAAAAAAAAAA

During that session, I realized I had forgotten what it's like to have A List Of Books I Want To Read. I mean, I have plenty of those in my digital library/around my house but... I remember my friends and I used to discuss books we wanted to read quite often. But like, fucking pretentious books (Dubliners? War and Peace? Mrs Dalloway? Mme Bovary?) ...Yeahhhh, I miss that. I miss reading exciting, fascinating things and having my friends explain them to me, 'cuz they're clever folks. This is exactly why I always try to get friends who are smarter than I am :P

Some people talked about In Search of Lost Time and they made me reconsider my 'I'm not reading seven-volume books before my retirement' stance... I mean, the way they described what they'd read so far really sparked my curiosity: they said it made them feel like they were reading the author's mind. And it really made me think of My Craft and why I'm pursuing it... I chose pyschology because I thought it would give me a good peek into the Mysterious Workings of the Human Mind. Also, I want to be a school counselor lol (everyone groans when this is my answer to "oh, what exactly are you gonna focus on?" Blergh. Luckily I do not give a fuck about what kind of knowledge people who aren't me think it's worth pursuing). But, yeah, my primary reason is very artsy-fartsy and un-practical and un-scientific. I could have chosen philosophy too, but argghhhh, I want to postpone that one for a little longer, okay? How I wish to be one of those studious suffering men. I don't know. Kafka. The protagonist of Mann's Death in Venice. God, here's where my perpetual teenagehood manifests.

Anyways, Proust. I thought that literature was actually what took me down this path. I, ugh, this is stupid, but the other reason why I chose this is because I want to be a writer... a narrator of some kind. I don't have any stories to tell and I don't have any special lens through which I experience the world richly and vividly! I don't have A Way With Words in any language I speak. I'm but a boring person with a completely barren imagination. This is probably why I'm so fucking greedy for content and exciting things — I'm an intellectual void! Damn, if I didn't know it's completely okay to be a void, I'd have killed myself already. Lol. Hehehhh!

When I was commuting home, I read a little bit of Rilke (it's good to be reminded about the good things in life) and... ahhhhhhh his writings are so tender!! I haven't actually read his poetry or anything, just The Letters. I'm gonna put some fragments here because they're fucking beautiful, goddammit. I may or may not make a separate page for Cute Quotes in the future, so I'll leave them embedded in this mess for now.

"Things are not all so comprehensible and expressible as one would mostly have us believe; most events are inexpressible, taking place in a realm which no word has ever entered, and more inexpressible than all else are works of art, mysterious existences, the life of which, while ours passes away, endures".

Ahhh, this one is so pretty! It really reminds me of That Which Cannot Be Said (my friends and I call it "el ~eso" in Spanish and I don't know how to translate that, lol). The eternal Misrecognization*. And... uhhh it also makes me think of like, how certain sensory input/mental states cannot be categorized into words, but we /do/ categorize them somehow. Maybe. According to that one book by Psychologist P**. So, if we categorize it, can we communicate it? Not using words, of course, since as Mr Rilke noted, there are things that cannot be relayed like that. But... oh wow, since we can recognize its existence within ourselves, we assume that it exists within other people. Can you believe, there are things we know about other people only by means of being aware of them... in ourselves. Like, we have to do that?! Can AI do that??? Anyways, this fucking paragraph makes zero sense. Stop reading this immediately.

"Of course you must know that every letter of yours will always give me pleasure, and only bear with the answer which will perhaps often leave you empty-handed; for at bottom, and just in the deepest and most important things, we are unutterably alone, and for one person to be able to advise or even help another, a lot must happen, a lot must go well, a whole constellation of things must come right in order to succeed."

This is one of the most reassuring things I've read. We Are Ultimately Alone. And it's difficult to receive help for we have to build our understanding ourselves. UGH, LIVING IS DIFFICULT.

And the last one. I Live by this. There's a lot to be said about this but it's three am and I'd rather SLEEPPPP.

"You are looking outward, and that above all you should not do now. Nobody can counsel and help you, nobody. There is only one single way. Go into yourself."

*I've Never read Lacan, so forgive me for misusing this.

**If I say his name, this entry will look 100x more pretentious, and I can't have that.

04/28/19 - 21:27 COT - Good evening

One of my friends was kind enough to invite me to THE annual book fair in my city and it was pretty fun! It was like visiting a giant library and checking out books that... I couldn't bring home LOL. My friend also got me Ryunosuke Akutagawa's Rashomon, and for that gesture of generosity I Am Indebted. Damn I'd really forgotten what reading a nice book was like because I'm living up to my "never picking up a book in my life" motto.* Who needs books when you have like... entertaining things that aren't books amirightfellas

I saw a couple books (SAW, not READ) on graphic design that made me want to whip out my sketchbook and think up designs for upcoming pages in this site (I have actually designed most of the site on paper first and that's why the code output is so shitty I guess? WHY don't I think in NUMBERS and LINES OF CODE instead of VAGUE IMAGES!!!) butttt I'm trying to, like, do... 200 other things. Maybe I'll work on designs when I'm pulling all nighters for my finals because what better time to do some creative work :)!

Lately I've been feeling very underwhelmed about my own art, so I've started to... actually study some anatomy, heheh. My friend told me that feeling meh about your art is a sign that your actual skillz aren't up to par with your ability to spot mistakes. So, cool!

In NeoNews, my site reached 15k views!! Thank you so much, neocitizens & ordinary netizens. I'm sure 5k of those are my own views but... hey! 10k is still a Lot of views. Thanks for checking this site out and I hope you got something out of it. I wanted to do one of those cheesy THANKS FOR 10,000 HITS illustrations from yesteryear but I don't have too much time. Maybe when I hit 20k!

Anyways. I don't usually do this, but if you have the time, please check out digital-r41n's site. I don't know them and they don't know me, but holy hell if their site doesn't own. It kinda makes me want to revamp certain things around here!

*Is this true or is this false? We'll never know.

EDIT: HOW could I have forgotten about MY KWEENS, the perfect nine angels that make up k-pop girl group Twice! I haven't figured out how to embed videos without fucking up the entire blog layout but here's a link. The song is kinda generic and the only good part about it is the fancy youuu chorus, but hey, it's Twice and everyone looks amazing. Okay, that's all.

04/14/19 - 21:51 COT - Happynewyeaaaar

I had written something for the actual new year... LOL. That was over four months ago, I know, I'm aware! I've been too busy/too lazy for this, I guess (I had a Chaotic end of term and it sucked a lot, but hey, I survived!)

My site is NOT dead, by the way! I simply choose when to update it. It's not that I'm ~struggling with my creative juices or anything as I didn't conceive this site as a Novelty Thing I Have To Think A Use for; this is THE repository for my HynSpacemakoThings and as long as I produce stuff, I'll keep updating. I've written a lot of random ranty shit so it'll eventually fill up some space here, I guess. Who actually knows. Uhhh honestly, I don't like disclosing what I'll be doing for this site in the future as I prefer a show-don't-tell approach for everything!

Recently, my friends threw a small birthday party for me. It was really cool and I got to wander on my fairly dangerous neighborhood at midnight. An Adventure. Thank you so much Yobani-chan, Nikkirin and R____♥♥. Also, my friend Hinanawind made some TASTY feijoa ice cream... for me?! It was SO YUMMY, thank you, thank you!! Also they gave me this beautiful shopping cart!!

I love it because this is surely the result of me telling them several times about my recurrent fantasy of being carried around in one of those (no questions, please). And it's super adorable, goddamn. I had actually thought about getting one of these but food>>>>trinkets. That's what being an adult is about :/!

11/19/18 - 1:37 COT - Movie, student march, random memory

I just watched Hard Candy -- it was alright. I was on edge the whole time thanks to Ellen Page's performance. I say 'alright' because while it serves as wish fulfillment for me (I mean, who doesn't fantasize about killing a pedo with their bare hands?) and I liked its rambly dialogue and its satisfactory ending (seriously, it was JUST like a fantasy of mine would play out!), the movie kinda pushes the viewer NOT to suspend their disbelief. Still, it had some clever lines and #TruFax mixed in there (like the part where Hayley said 'a girl may know how to imitate a woman, but she's not ready to do what a woman does', pretty cool), but... you know? That's precisely what makes it so unbelievable. It's a bit like watching a 14-year-old recite lines from a witty essay written by an old person who unsuccessfully tries to reimagine what a clever 14-year-old would say if she was, uh, ~smart and well read.

Oh well.

I think I have to start writing my memories from when I was younger before I-- forget them and become one of those people who cannot understand kids even if they were one at some point, lol.

Last week I attended another student march, it was super-fucking-cute because it was a 'Pencil March' and the vast majority of attendees paraded around with giant cardboard pencils to remind everyone that we're just like, demanding our right to education and not... holding up the city's traffic because we're a bunch of leftist devils who want to establish A Second Venezuela and who enjoy seeing the citizenry suffer (to clarify: I am indeed a leftist devil, but the student movement, altough political by nature, isn't pushing any other agenda besides DEMANDING OUR RIGHT TO FREE EDUCATION).

I made a GIANT PINK PENCIL costume and it was a hit!! Lots of people took pictures of me and shit. The march was relatively calm even though we were surrounded by police... students from other universities weren't so lucky, though, and all the weight of state violence fell upon them as soon as they reached our meeting place. Fuck that shit. My heart goes to all the students who were injured, detained and treated like shit last week. I hope no student was actually killed or made to disappear ):

...I just suddenly remembered that back in 2015 I was a little NEET (well, a 'ni-ni', as they say in my beloved country) who spent too much time looking at random blogs, and there was this girl whose blog I checked out religiously every day (rough times, okay) who started posting really... silly jokes (?) about guns. Like 'peanut butter and jelly sandwich... with a GUN!!!' 'Gordon fucking Ramsay... with a GUN!!!' and all her Bloggie Friends would express their mirth in her blog and they'd have a jolly grand time. It was so fucking annoying. I will never understand the American psyche.

11/07/18 - 11:56 COT - Hm

My friend Hinanawind had a hilarious idea and got me drawing 2hus again. (Not like I need an actual reason to do that though lol, I love drawing them nonstop!!!)

Here's Aya who's looking very sexay ("why is this thousand-year-old mythical japanese creature wearing eyeliner and looking so youthful?" because on the seventh day Hyn Space Mako said 'May the Shameimaru never age and wear eyeliner constantly dayum' and then She rested)

Here's Hatate "My Girlfriend" Himekaidou (nobody but me cares about this bitch, yet she's a #Legend to me. Like, being introduced as She Who Won't Be Deceived and who is willing to fight for truth and ethical journalism??? BITCH!!)

And here's Suzy from Suzunaan (that's a special edition of One Hundred Years Of Solitude. She'd be able to read it in the original Spanish!!)

I had written something else but I overwrote it by mistake. Oh! My mistake

11/04/18 - 18:47 COT - Random shit I don't even know

Happy belated Halloween!

I had plenty of candy and alcohol and good company so it was a very nice day. I didn't dress up but it was okay! It's strange that I don't feel bad about not being able to dress up anymore, and I can't discern whether this is due to not caring about anything thanks to unspecified_mood_disorder or if it's just a side-effect of growing up -- dressing up is a big deal to me... usually. Wait, is this what adulthood is about?? That's just boring!

My friends and I had a discussion about the afterlife when I was like, wallowing in the usual ~drunken sad moment every drinking session entails. Full disclosure: as much as I lean towards spirituality and actually believe in God and ghosts and supernatural beings, I don't believe in the afterlife, LOL. I think my point of view isn't completely incompatible with the idea of an afterlife, but! Hmm, let's see how I can explain this in a readable, intelligible way (not saying this because my ideas are Too Complex For People, 'cuz they're just drivel, but because I cannot communicate my ideas clearly, ever. #TheMéconnaissance).

Like everyone else, I have a difficult relationship with my body. Apart from the usual alienation a woman feels from her body (because of the constant objectification our bodies go through, because of the placement of our worth in our appearance, because of the specific way gender is constructed1, etc), I also have certain, uh, 'complexes' in relation to my body.

Everyone does. Complexes are 'things we have written in our bodies'2 that define the course of our lives: how we are viewed, how we interact with the world and most importantly, how we view ourselves. My body complexes have definitely affected how and what I think, they influence how I approach the world and... have shaped the person I am. To me, there's an inherent relationship between my body and who I am. With this I also mean to say that I'm definitely not a dualist (I don't believe that I can be separated into a body that serves as a 'container' and a soul), because, to me, I am like I am because I have this specific body and because I have lived the specific circumstances this body engenders, and I believe that if I had another body, I wouldn't be /myself/.

I also think about this from a neurobiological angle: I am like I am because of the specific way the proteins that make up my brain are arranged. If they were arranged any other way, or if that order were to be altered, I wouldn't have the same personality (ie, when people suffer frontal lobe damage and, among other things, they become complete assholes) and I would, in a sense, /not/ be me, Hyn spacemako.3

Well, this is super fucking simplistic but it is basically my perspective on this matter at this moment of my life: I am a 100% organic product harvested in and forever tied to Earth. So yeah, the day I die, my body will stop functioning and I, Hyn spacemako, will cease to exist.4 What will remain of me in this universe are some sweet memories in the hearts of people who love me, and maybe cool things, ideas, art, knowledge, a legacy. Who knows. I'm still working on that.

This is super not-romantic of me, huh?? But... I really, actually believe lots of stuff that directly contradicts everything I wrote above. Maybe I don't truly believe any of this. Maybe I just don't want to believe in an afterlife because I'm clinging to the hope that someday... I will get to rest in peace. I will close my eyes and fuck outta this goddamned place. I will find comfort in death. For better or for worse.

Anyways, the most amazing fact out of this discussion I had with my friends is that apparently I'm the only one who doesn't want [to believe in] an afterlife? I mean, that's so unexpected. I'm supposed to be the most romantic and idealistic out of us! Well, whatever, I love getting to know my friends like this! I love that the people I love the most can be so different from me. It's really nice.

I would have liked to get even more shitfaced but I had to go home early .

1: This is an anthropological discussion I'm not having because I'm just some stupid bitch blogging, not someone with the knowledge and language to tackle this right now. And yes, I'm aware men also suffer from this and have a fucked up relationship with their bodies too because these societal values are unforgiving towards people of any gender, but just OBSERVING any mainstream western cultural product should be enough to see that this is especially burdensome for women. Anyways, this has very little to do with the main topic of the entry! Fuck!

2: I feel like I have to add an (Author, XXXX) there LMFAO. This is so funny! Ah, there is a specific expression in Colombian Spanish that comes to mind when I say stuff like this, you know? This whole entry is very lámpara. To be a lámpara (literally, a 'lamp') is to be that fucking pretentious asshole that wants to stand out, to out-shine everyone in the room with their ~knowledge and their ~intelligence. To be the brightest thing in the vicinity... a fucking lamp . While I am not trying to impress anyone here because a) I'm writing this for myself and b) I know that people with more than two functioning neurons will see this shit and think "what a load of stupid bullshit", I am being an absolute lámpara here!

3: Wait, Hyn spacemako is a virtual persona. Okay, please pretend Hyn spacemako is my real name.

4: Hopefully Hyn spacemako (the representation) will outlive Hyn spacemako (the human).

DISCLAIMER: None of this means I align with biological essentialism or with TERF shit. When I say 'a woman feels alienated from her body' I also mean that trans women are affected by this. Except they have additional reasons why this happens, which are better explained by trans women themselves.

10/28/18 - 21:09 COT - Fun saturday & thoughts on Loona's Heart Attack

Yesterday was another fun day. Even though I slept relatively little (I need ten fucking hours of sleep to function, do you know what a pain in the ass that is?? ), that didn't stop me from having a very nice day! My friend Hinanawind and I went to do some Halloween shopping into downtown (I'M SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WALK THROUGH THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL!) "Halloween shopping" consists of buying candy and alcohol. My transition into adulthood has consisted of staying more or less the same, anxious and cheery like a kid, except I'm fueled by ethanol now.

...The chocolates we bought were overpriced, though! AAAAA. I'm kinda regretting that purchase ...

I also looked for adhesive velvet for a project I've been thinking about, but it turns out you can't get stuff like that in this city ? I think I have to import it from China, lol. When I get a job again, of course. Maybe I should try asking in those... car shops where they print customized vinyl stickers. I REFUSE to believe you can't get a sheet of adhesive velvet in here!

I want to make some practice drawings, so I was watching k-pop videos to get some refs, heh . Music videos get the models and the photography down, and drawing from stills is nice because you get people moving and expressing things with their movements and facial expressions. A win-win for me. As I was watching Loona's Heart Attack for the umpteenth time, though, I realized why my relationship with that video is... complicated.

Why does Hyn spacemako have to go and make things with Heart Attack so complicated?

Look,the first thing I thought when it was released was that my wish for a lesbian Gee had finally come true. My wish for a cheerful, catchy song about how exciiiting it is to be in love starred by a gay girl, however, wasn't to be fulfilled by Blockberry, oh no. And yes I'm aware there are indie lesbian-y k-pop songs sung by actual women who love women, which is cool, but they're usually zzzz boring and tragic. I want something upbeat! Something musically interesting! Something that celebrates our falling in love in a lighthearted, sunny way!

#IWantToBelieve the song is about Chuu's love for Yves, the materialization of my wishes, but it's nearly impossible to ignore all the symbolism that invokes the "what she feels for her is not romantic love, but deep admiration" bullshit trope we always get.

First, there's the fact that the song has a B-side entitled Girls' Talk, which suggests that Heart Attack is just a part of the story Chuu's introduction is about. Girls' Talk is a duet song with Yves. You'd expect a confrontation there -- Yves finally responding to Chuu's heartfelt love confession. Fuck yes. Instead, we get this:

Sometimes, you’re so sweet sweet
Sometimes, you’re so secretive
Typical stories, small things
We’re endlessly talking
It’s all about you, boy yeah

Girl’s talk Girl’s talk ooh
Girl’s talk Girl’s talk about you
It’s so strange
I wanna talk about you even more
It’s all about you boy yeah

It's all about whomst?! This is a song about tee-hee girlish talk about boys! Nothing gay here!

That should be enough for people to see that Heart Attack is, sadly, not as gay as we'd wish. But I'm gonna break down the video to demonstrate that it really is not something adressed for or related to us the woolaloos. Let's not delude ourselves, ladies, when the stuff is very clear about what it is.

  1. Yves is shown constantly reading, learning things about the world. This implies that Heart Attack is a story that goes after new, Yves' account of her personal growth, of her journey of self-dicovery. If you've seen the video for new, maybe you'll remember the part where Yves bites into her red apple and immediately after, there's a take where she appears defiant, confident, going out into the night to have fun like an adult. Subsequent takes show her being more relaxed and assertive (in a 'fuck these things, I'm not a child anymore' way), in contrast to her hesitating self at the very beginning of the video. She gained wisdom ('bit the apple', and was expulsed from Eden) and that made her grow up. And this is what makes her special.

  2. Chuu, however, isn't learning about the world. She is taking pictures of Yves throughout the whole video. Studying her. She's fascinated with Yves, the cool, serene figure who has grown up, and she has made her subject, her model. There is very explicit, tender imagery like this:

    (this must seriously be one of my favorite cinematographic moments ever. On par with that moment where Amélie Poulain melts in loving frustration.)

    ...which one could reasonably interpret as Chuu having a knee-weakening crush on Yves, right? Okay, cute. Except for the detail that her heart is represented by a green fruit, which means that her heart is still green (immature), that she has not grown up yet. That this puppy love she feels for Yves is a girl-child thing she's going through while she's finding herself.

  3. This message -- that Chuu is an immature girl-child chasing after a grown woman -- is carried to the forefront by the ever-present images of green apples and by the mirroring Chuu performs.

    Now, if you're acquainted with "lesbian" fiction (or essays touching on lesbianism) written by straight people, you know damn well that this association with mirrors/mirroring is a shady, shady thing -- it basically means that same-gender attraction should be thought of either as something purely egotistical and masturbatory, even incestuous, or as a infantile psychological modelling phenomenon. Does the concept of class S ring any bells? What about "the urge to merge", our inability to form relationships where we are two separate beings as man and woman are able to? When they show or mention mirrors in this context, you know these ridiculous psychoanalytical ideas lie behind all the cutesy staging.

    Chuu tries to club a cold porcelain penguin just like Yves does in her video. Heart Attack is saying that Chuu is just mindlessly imitating Yves' actions, failing to understand the meaning behind them (the objects she smashes are never seen as the idea they're supposed to mean, as happens in Yves' video). She keeps on mirroring: her dress, her dancing, her actions; she even takes a screen capture of Yves' song. She's obsessed... because Yves represents all she wants to be.

  4. Time passes and while Chuu's obsession for Yves doesn't seem to dwindle, she's on her way to maturity. She approaches Yves directly and offers her love. Still, something is missing: she doesn't love-love Yves, she just idolizes her as a perfect role model. BBC themselves confirm this idea on the video's description:

    The new single lets the fans take a peek into what JiWoo, who has already been a popular trainee among fans, had to go through to become ‘Chuu’, and her desire to be loved by Yves, who also has said in her lyrics, “my heart that wants to be like you gets colored, filled with you.”

    Also, notice how her heart is still a "copy" of Yves' fruit.

  5. Yves barely acknowledges this offering, though, and Chuu grows a little desperate. At last, just like the little match girl, Chuu has a lovely delusion about being with Yves, about being acknowledged and loved by her. Now, I'm gonna go ahead and admit that I find this sequence pretty, uh, erotic (what with the lingering suggestive looks and the girls feeding each other red strawberries like that...), and God, that's what I find most insulting about the video, how dare they include some genuine expressions of desire as if they could be interpreted in the same vein to the rest of it! To me, they're saying "yeah, alright, sometimes these things go into that territory but they're still not... actual love, you know? Isn't it cute how she believes she'll find herself when she's loved back though?"

  6. ...yes, she believes, because she's the little match girl, the poor starry-eyed child, and while Chuu doesn't die, she becomes aware that it was just a delusion, that getting closer to Yves is not the answer. She's all alone, loveless and homeless, with nothing to offer and being offered nothing. She has a long path to walk, and longing for perfect image-girl Yves is taking her nowhere. She'll have to look elsewhere. And if she stops mirroring her... then there's no reason to "pursue" her, is there?

  7. To close the circle, we get to track number two, Girls' Talk. Chuu and Yves have grown closer and developed some intimacy. What are these girls up to now that they're standing on equal grounds? They're sharing secrets, they're talking about girly things, and more importantly, their erotic energy is going the right way: towards boys. Their conversations gradually revolve more and more around the boys they love.

    There are Loona Theorists™ who have tried to say "b-but Girls' Talk is set before Heart Attack, when Chuu and Yves had to pretend they were straight! ...Maybe!" -- those people's arms must hurt from trying so hard to reach for the stars. The songs are numbered. You really think this creative team that puts so much effort in making every little detail seem to have lots of meaning would not assign a specific order to their songs. Okay!

To me, the absence of like, ACTUAL gayness is pretty clear. BBC have a nice cast of girls, and if you've got an all-girl cast, you gotta squeeze in some y00r1, some light romantic tension between them because that's as appealing as a pure garden of lillies being gently swayed by the wind. But no, that's not, er, actually gay -- you know how women are among themselves. That's just the power of female friendship. #Feminism #Sisterhood #Sorority.

This is cool and all, I mean, portraying loving friendships between women is nice, is needed, is welcome, but it really sucks that in order to uplift healthy and close relationships between straight women, we the bis/lesbians keep being told that our love for women is a joke, a phase, something pornographic, and to please leave room for our straight sisters who deserve to have their (hetero)sexuality respected. "Can't we have two women showing affection for each other without people saying they're lesbians?" "Can't we have strong female characters who retain their femininity and like men? ...And men only?" "Can't I be physically affectionate with other girls without GETTING MISTAKEN FOR A D/KE?"

I don't like this. People want to convince us that love between women is a childish game and to please shut up about actually desiring women, since that is stepping over people's toes. And this is just another thing that rehashes this message. Also it kinda uses the tired "stalker lesbian" thing, which is, uhhh, I do like it for aesthetic reasons, but it carries a heavy negative connotation.

Anyway. I'm sure there are other, more gay-friendly Loona songs, but Heart Attack is not it. It's just another class S thing mainstream media likes to do every once in a while. I will truly #StanLoona when they release songs like Rosy as good singles, with nice videos where it's clear they're talking about two women interested romantically in each other.

Danm, this reads like I became one of those wacky Loona theorists . I'm just interpreting what I see on Chuu's video lol! And explaining why I don't like that it's being praised as a True Kweer thing when it's not . I love Chuu though and she's still my favOriTe .

10/26/18 - 21:30 COT - Strike Strike Revolution 2nd Mix & Coetzee

I'm not sure if I'll be able to finish off the semester this year, LOL. Things are looking... gloomy? I feel bad for people who had to travel to this city/country to study here because nothing's getting done at my uni. Or at any other public uni in the country, lol. Otherwise I'm very on board with the student's strike and what it would mean if we got what we wanted (fund$, legal reforms, guarantees). Oh fucking yes. They will yield, sooner or later, the people have spoken, etc.

I picked up another book by Coetzee (I finished Summertime last week, I think? and I felt the imperious need to keep reading his brilliant prose) on Wednesday and oh shit. Oh fuckign goddanm shit. Coetzee is, yet again, in my eyes, that motherfucker. That bitch. He who kills with his quill. In fact, I'm tempted to write a ~review on both Summertime and Disgrace, the book I just finished. And maybe on Dusklands, just because nobody fucking talks about that bitch of a book (I'm calling it that bitch of a book because it is, my God, it issss) and I think this fucking bitch of a book says very important things. Like, it's a book that makes you feel deeply uncomfortable, AKA the best kind of book.

Well, another reason why I don't want to write my Coetzee Reviews is 'cause then spacemako at neocities dot org would become A Review Site, and that's a label I don't want it to bear. In fact, I just want people to think this is a silly fanart gallery and that's that. Also, that would drive people to expect some semblance of quality out of this (or my writing) and nononono! This would also imply I am some kind of... person who reads books and the books themselves are alright, but I would never want to be associated with people who read books. Or worse, people who write! No! I refuse!

I've found that setting (high) expectations ruins a lot of things for me, as they become a chore and a show I have to craft and put on carefully instead of being fun outlets (their original, most important function), and I've killed off too many creative projects that way already. I am deliberately not scheduling things or saying "I'm sorry for not updating my site, I promise I'll publish interesting stuff in [timeframe]" because no one cares whether I do that and I don't think it's necessary. Also I'm not putting ~interesting content to lure in viewers or whatever, I don't care about that. Support is very much appreciated (thank you so much for all yr comments and likeys!!), but. Uh huh. I do things whenever I feel like it and not because I feel any sense of obligation towards anyone in particular.

Anyways. Danm I love John Maxwell Coetzee . Disgrace marks the third book I read this year. Yes, it is true I don't read books, ever! It is not an exaggeration ! For now, though, I want to give Coetzee a rest and read something like Jose Eustasio Rivera's The Vortex. Colombian fucking history for the soul. A thing of interest to some colombians and maybe five social studies doctoral candidates from Germany or the States. Will be enlightening. I still have to make my study cards for biology too. COLLEGE IS HARD .

10/20/18 - 14:50 COT - Playing 2hu on a bar! And some incoherent babbling about Science

Yesterday was a pretty fun day! Apart from briefly participating in my university’s student march (long story short, it’s underfinanced because the government is allocating the resources destined for public education towards the military and that fucking sucks, so we’ve decided to take to the streets), I spent a good while sitting at a small bar playing Touhou with my friend Hinanawind.

Yes, we were a couple of nerds sitting at a bar playing fucking videogames! And it was very fun! If you play Touhou, please get a friend, an alcoholic beverage, and proceed to suffer together. It’s really an experience. My Touhou skills are very poor, but thankfully my friend was able to defeat everyone. Yay!! We also discovered that you can change the name of a DLL file and it will work nonetheless! Amazing, huh?

Earlier in the afternoon, we sat down and studied a text for a philosophy class for a while. That study session made me realize that most academic texts are terribly written (and translated) even if they look ‘easy to read’ on the surface. It was also an excellent reminder that I know fuck all about stuff in general, and that I should be patient with things I don’t fully understand. I should double-check concepts I’m not familiar with and interpret things very carefully, always.

Well. The article was about falsifiability. It’s a concept I think about a lot (I don’t mean to sound all pretentious here -- I really think about its implications quite often!) Perhaps because it’s so appealing to me, and because I can see its flaws as well... Like, I’m really fond of the idea that there isn’t A Single Truth and that no verdict on anything should be set on stone as we might discover something that completely overturns our understanding of it (ie, what has happened in physics historically), so leaving room for uncertainty seems reasonable.

The problem with this is that there exist tangible and irrefutable truths, for example, the fact that we cannot live without breathing. Or the fact that we’re continuously being pulled by a force that attracts us to the center of this planet, also known as gravity. Or the fact capitalism is fucking us over. There should be no room for doubt regarding these #TruFax.

Still, it’s a romantic idea and I like it for multiple reasons I might or might not explain later on. I even adhere to it partially! But this is a philosophy that isn’t compatible with material reality, at the end of the day, and thus is not very useful for our analysis and understanding of the world.

Also, I think it’s very funny that people who decry postmodernism bring up the concept of falsifiability when they’re like, closely correlated. I find that this especially happens with engineers and IT peoples when they’re talking about how human sciences should drop the ‘science’ part… well, more like when they get into debates about science in general, and I think that if you want to talk about fucking philosophy of science, which is the field that seeks to answer questions about what constitutes science or not, you should at least do some reading on it before you drop the takes. Being able to code stuff and liking space don’t make you an authority on these matters, sadly.

(Speaking of ‘needing to read’, I think I should read more...)

Anyways. Enough philosophy talk for this entry! While I’m on the student’s strike, I’ve been looking at sites on here. I’ve linked most of the sites I follow on my home page -- if I follow you and you don’t see your neat 88 x 31 px button, it must be because you either don’t have a button or it doesn’t work for some reason. No worries. You Will Be Included.

10/16/18 - 19:34 COT - Hello! Finally introducing... my blog!!1

Not as exciting as Grimes' sung introduction to the general public's favorite South Korean girl group, but it's still My Personal Feat and I'm gonna celebrate it!

I'm currently on a student strike so, instead of doing my studently duties, I'm working on this (and peacefully protesting with my comrades too, of course. Ahem). I should be doing other important stuff, like studying some fucking biology for the moment the strike inevitably stops and professors grab everyone by the nuts, but messing around with this is sooo fuuuuhn.

I'm tempted to work on 「THE・CORNER」, but I really have to study up.

On an unrelated note, I saw some new site (I love neocities because people start following each other and that pushes you to check out the new kidz on the block) that looked promising -- I like all kinds of sites, especially the sort people create because they want to improve their writing, I think it's a Commendable enterprise and I fully support that -- but then I read something like "contemporary web design is boring and.. see?? see?? If sites are related to Human Things, they just slap on big pictures of Foreigners!!" and I couldn't like, take it seriously anymore. Jeez, just say Goddamn Coloureds next time!

07/06/18 - 06:22 COT - So-Sleepy, like ohmygosh (said like a valley girl)

I've been up all night trying to set this site up, LOL. My programming skills are nonexistent but I'm happy with the result so far! It's nothing like the other cool sites I've seen here, but I'm satisfied with how it's turning out.

The gallery is the most inefficient thing ever, but ah, whatever. I really wanted to have my own comments on my illusts :D. It makes the Whole Spacemako Online Experience much more entertaining, hopefully. I also enjoy blogging in general, so it's fun for me.

Between adding a shitton of pages and making graphics for the site, I spent the better part of my day (I mean YESTERDAY) looking at my old blog archive.

Context: about 10 years ago, I joined some anime forum that offered registered users the possibility of starting their very own blog. I had no idea what the loving heck a blog was, so I just started writing about whatever was happening in my life. Little textual snapshots. Most of the entries were about really silly stuff and they're barely readable, but they were very fun to write.

I like doing fun stuff. Also, I recently quit Twitter and my blogger fingers (yes, this phrase sounds pathetic, but at least I don't deny who I am!) need an outlet.

A friend invited me to hang out today, but I'm just about to go to bed right now and I think I'll get up at like, 16:00 ):. Maybe tomorrow?

And that's summer break for you!